Saturday, January 24, 2009

give a girl a break!

{warning: my one male follower
might want to stop reading now
just sayin'!}

what is with spanx?
you know...the lovely modern day corset?
the only thing missing is the laces!

i have two pair
one original
one knock off
i hate them both
i generally do not wear them,
unless i am feeling more bloated
than my normal bloatedness!

so i slipped a pair on for our date night
what the hell was i thinking?!
the rage came rushing back
like seeing a bad picture from high school,
i was brought right back to why this was
such a bad decision.

first, there is no slipping into them
let's be honest,
they are best donned in the absence of the person you love
it might scare them off!
hell, it almost scares me off
then you get them on, and you're like,
"okay, i dig these"
and that lasts for about 9 seconds.
when you go to put your fave pants on
you feel no less fat,
you just cling to your clothes more!
okay, still thinking they might be worth the pain and discomfort,
you go about getting ready
you look in the mirror and think,
damn, i look puffy in places i don't normally look puffy!
'cause let's face it, your fat is just being moved around!
then it start to sweat...
because who needs this extra layer!?
they are hotter than hades at high noon!
and now you're getting pissed...
as that bead of sweat rolls down you back, you are
wondering why in the hell you wasted the energy
at least you might have burned a few calories shoving your bod into them!
and you finally make the decision...
these things are coming off!
and when you do this in front of the one you love,
they look at you like, what the hell is that layer you are taking off?
'cause they didn't see you put it on!
and then you see the hole
you know the one i speak of
what the hell is that for???
am we supposed to be able to use that?
is it an evacuation exit?
'cause i could barely get in the entrance!
what skinny person invented these?
i have heard skinny people profess their love for them!

so they are back in the drawer
back where they belong
until the next time
when i forget about why they are such a bad decision.

so, guess i'll just suck it in!


kimber p said...

omg Lori! I was crackin up!! I went to a place here on Maple Ave and tried this so-called miracle of manmade torture and I walked out of that store completely defeated and pissed!
it would have been easier to stuff a ferret into a water balloon...
it was invented by a stick thin woman who was having a bad body image day cuz her ribs weren't showing particulary well that day... was that mean of me to say?
don't even get me started! lmao...

angi_b72 said...

omg you are so right about those damn things! I hate them. I too have a real pair and a knock off pair and they both will stay right where they are until I throw them out! And that :whole" you speak of...well being the sometimes "lazy" person that I am...tried this whole out one our sisters doesn't work! lol
Love ya!

Mighty M said...

LOL! So true!! Sucking it in works better and it helps your abs too!

4under3 said...

Ha. This was funny stuff. As well as kimber p's comment. You two should go on the road.


The Wife O Riley said...

Wow, I always wanted a pair, but now I might reconsider.

Anonymous said...

Your blog gave me a good chuckle! *lol* I think I will keep mine in the drawer also!

Stesha said...

Thanks for the warning!

The Blonde Duck said...

Saying hi from SITS!

Mamarazzi said...

AMEN!!! this was an awesome post! embrace your curves, chuck the spanks..seriously they can't be good for you!

Small House said...

HI! Stopped by from SITS!

Aubrey said...

Ah yes. Do you get that lovely red itchy band mark right below your bosoms? I do. I got a love/hate relationship with mine.
Today I asked my hubby if I could just get a little nip/tuck next year. He was silent. I'm taking it as a yes.

Jen said...

Those things just plain suck. You put it perfectly into words.
I love how when I put them on that I think it gives me the allusion that I am smaller...only to have it rolling down my attractive!

Jen said...

By the way...I think this might be the most responses you have gotten...except the giveaway...There is a lot to be said for that!

Blogger Julie In Atlanta said...

I laughed so loud at this comment. I need to post about the last time I wore one of these...its quite comical.