give a girl a break!

{warning: my one male follower
might want to stop reading now
just sayin'!}

what is with spanx?
you know...the lovely modern day corset?
the only thing missing is the laces!

i have two pair
one original
one knock off
i hate them both
i generally do not wear them,
unless i am feeling more bloated
than my normal bloatedness!

so i slipped a pair on for our date night
what the hell was i thinking?!
the rage came rushing back
like seeing a bad picture from high school,
i was brought right back to why this was
such a bad decision.

first, there is no slipping into them
let's be honest,
they are best donned in the absence of the person you love
it might scare them off!
hell, it almost scares me off
then you get them on, and you're like,
"okay, i dig these"
and that lasts for about 9 seconds.
when you go to put your fave pants on
you feel no less fat,
you just cling to your clothes more!
okay, still thinking they might be worth the pain and discomfort,
you go about getting ready
you look in the mirror and think,
damn, i look puffy in places i don't normally look puffy!
'cause let's face it, your fat is just being moved around!
then it happens...you start to sweat...
because who needs this extra layer!?
they are hotter than hades at high noon!
and now you're getting pissed...
as that bead of sweat rolls down you back, you are
wondering why in the hell you wasted the energy
at least you might have burned a few calories shoving your bod into them!
and you finally make the decision...
these things are coming off!
and when you do this in front of the one you love,
they look at you like, what the hell is that layer you are taking off?
'cause they didn't see you put it on!
and then you see the hole
you know the one i speak of
what the hell is that for???
am we supposed to be able to use that?
is it an evacuation exit?
'cause i could barely get in the entrance!
what skinny person invented these?
i have heard skinny people profess their love for them!
lordy.

so they are back in the drawer
back where they belong
until the next time
when i forget about why they are such a bad decision.

so, guess i'll just suck it in!